On a day like today

It's one of those days, during a series of storms, between rains, undulating cloud formations, shafts of clear sunlight like searchlights, probing the ground, droplets of water on every leaf, refracting light, making tiny prisms, and you, being out there, no plans, no hurry, just enjoying, just doing life. I hope you've been there.

And you look around, not thinking of anything other than the hills, gray, dissolving in the low clouds, with those clouds, every shade of gray, orange, pink, metallic blue. A gentle breeze stirring the leaves, the world seemingly in repose.

And it comes up from deep within, this memory, not tangible, but of a feeling, a sudden experience. It was another day like today, perhaps sitting on a river bank in a deep forest, walking in the rain on some deserted beach, stopping to watch a vivid sunset, thinking of a moment with someone you care deeply about. And then, not looking for it, not trying for anything other than following the currents of the moment, it happens, that elusive something always hovering on the periphery of your awareness, that indefinable flicker that always slips away as soon as you turn to look, that something that never quite comes into focus, never stands still long enough to be defined, to get a name. Suddenly, it's right there, in the center of your awareness, like a flash, like the culmination of a fire work show ignited in your mind. And then total stillness, a moment in which time seems to stand still, a moment in which you feel you can wrap your mind, your heart around everything that is, every atom, every photon, every pulse. It is that moment of pure ecstasy, when everything is just so painfully pure and real, so absolute and so absolutely there.

That moment slips away like the traces of light on your cornea after lightning. It all happens so quickly, almost no time elapses. These are moments that connect with dreams, with the sigh of a long forgotten lover, with the sudden joy of discovering some ephemeral truth. They slip up on you while listening to a song, watching birds in flight, smelling a field of wild flowers, remembering a smile, touching something beyond the limits of your skin, or of your senses.

And it is both intently ecstatic and intently sad, sad because you can't call it back, sad because it happens so quickly, sad because you know it might be months or years before it happens again, sad because it could be your last time.

And as you stand, looking up at the clouds, looking out over the violent sea, looking into your most cherished memories, remembering the feeling, while not quite reliving it, you know without doubt that the rest of life is bookkeeping, maintenance, and these moments are your reason to be.

I so hope you've been there.