new retirement plan

The debate about social security, Medicare and pension programs keeps heating up, and I'm concerned that, at this rate, my so called golden years might end up being brass plate.

What assurance do I have that when I'm put out to pasture, there will be some grass on said pasture?  Well, the days of sitting back and believing that the government will take care of me are over. I've got to be proactive.

I've found a simple solution. I'll simple legally change my name. My new first name will be Goldman, and my last will be Sachs.  Whenever times get tough, I'll just call the White house and say, "I'm Goldman Sachs, and I'm a bit short this month. How about sending my a couple of million to tide me over?"  Naturally, I'll promise to pay them back some day when the economy is all rosy again.

The weird world of Goldman Sachs

William Cohan, a former Wall Street insider, was on the May 24 Diane Rehm Show, talking about the history and culture of Goldman Sachs. How the firm came to dominate global markets, influence the federal government and play a controversial role in the mortgage meltdown. He explained some financial stuff, which I totally didn't understand.

Goldman Sachs, among other financial firms, dealt in those weird mortgage things that everyone in the business knew were bad news, and which lead to the financial collapse. That was the first thing I didn't understand. The best image I could envision was throwing all these mortgage papers in a financial meat grinder, grinding them up together and then making something like mortgage hamburger patties out of it. But, with all that mixing, who decided where people sent their house payments? And for the people who invested in these things, what exactly did they purchase?

Another thing Goldman Sachs did was after telling their investors what good investments these things were, they put their own money in some kind of bet that these would fail and that the investors who trusted their advice would lose a fortune. Apparently, they were right, and they made billions while their investors lost. That brings up a couple more questions that boggle my mind.

How in the world do you invest money in something in such a way that if it loses money, you make a profit. If I loan the neighbor's kid fifty bucks to help start up his lemonade stand, I make money if he is successful. If he goes out of business, I lose my fifty. So, the more they lose, the more I make, doesn't make a bit of sense to me, but then I'm an idiot when it comes to finance.

Apparently, these big investors aren't much better. They invested in very risky weird mortgage thingies, while Goldman Sachs was betting they'd lose, and then when they did lose, they kept on investing with Goldman Sachs. That kind of makes people who keep buying lottery tickets look a bit less clueless.

Normally I wouldn't trust Goldman Sachs any further than I could throw their corporate headquarters, but in the interest of getting a story, I went to them with my life savings, $213.49, and asked them to invest it for me. Well, they wouldn't even give me the time of day, literally. After telling me they weren't interested, I said I had a plane to catch and wanted to know the time. They wouldn't tell me.

my advice to the President

In addition to my many other invisible talents, I've decided to become a presidential advisor. That decision came to me after Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's response to president Obama's suggestion that Israel return to its pre-1967 borders. "Mr. President, what would you know about giving back land and returning to previous borders?" 

Naturally, Obama was stuck for an answer, and that's where I stepped in. My suggestion was, "Yo, Pres, let's keep it real. Put your money where your mouth is."  Since he still had a confused look on his face, I explained further. "If we want them to go back to pre-1967 borders, we need to do likewise. Let's go back to our pre-1845 borders." 

He still wasn't totally getting it, giving me that lawyer look of his. So I continued. "We can give Texas and California back to Mexico. Tell them, sorry and just move away, taking all our US goodies with us."

Obama was shocked. "We can't just give up land we've settled, worked and made our homes."  At that point, I resigned as advisor, but not before making a final suggestion. "I hear you, Mr. Pres, but Ben, waiting in the next room, needs to hear that too."

Save the elderly, cut off SS and Medicare

Newspaper columnists, including Robert Samuelson of The Washington Post, have been blasting Social Security and Medicare, wanting to either reform, reduce or eliminate these programs. At first that bothered me, as I realized that people have worked their entire lives with these programs in place, money being taking from their pay and the promise that they will have an income and medical care when they get old and retire. For many, this was the retirement plan.

On second thought, trying to see the other point of view, I realized that these programs were the worst things we can do to our elderly. Let me explain.

People are physically and mentally active until they reach a magic age and retire. Then they have nothing forcing them to get up in the morning, nothing pressing on their minds from morning to night. As a result, these folks get soft and lazy, knowing there will be a check each month. They play bingo, lawn bowl, watch TV, take up quilting, feed pigeons in the park, activities that do nothing to keep them sharp and healthy.

Knowing that they are paying for and will receive Medicare, they are not motivated to stay healthy, figuring the government will pay to get them well when they fall ill. As a result, they abandon healthy living, stop exercising, start eating junk food and probably drink too much.

If we eliminate, not gradually, but suddenly, all support programs for the elderly, they will be forced to continue working, thus keeping them mentally sharp. Without health coverage, they will rededicate themselves to staving off the infirmaries of age, pushing themselves to eat flavorless healthy food and putting hours in on the treadmill.

Think of an 85 year old, faced with competition from 25 year old college graduates. Survival will depend on not only staying current, but keeping ahead of developments. Between working long hours, studying new technology, putting in hours of exercise and cooking all that natural food, these folks won't have time to get bored, lazy, sick or senile.

Save money on public safety

Like most guys, as a kid I was fascinated by the wild west. I used to read about the Earps, Doc Holiday, Billy the Kid and all those colorful gunmen, and the era when justice was dealt at the business end of a gun. Those memories surfaced as I read about the State and our cities' problems paying for the police and their increasingly costly pensions.

Since cities are either laying off cops or trying to get them to take a cut in pay, work more years or take a smaller pension, it's clear that the future of public safety is in doubt. So, why not fire all the city police, county sheriffs and highway patrol and opt for the wild west model?

California can encourage every citizen to buy a gun, and for those who can't afford one, perhaps provide one of the ones formerly used by the police. Each person would carry said weapon in a holster, clearly visible. If someone tries to break into your home, simply shoot them. Someone accosts you on the street, blast off a few rounds. Same with people who cut you off in traffic. Someone in a bar looks at you like they want to start something, you draw your weapon. And ladies, any guy who looks at you like he's even thinking of grabbing you, shoot him in the crotch.

Sure, as some of you politically correct people will point out, a few innocent people will get killed by over zealous citizens. But, remember that even with our complex and expensive criminal justice system, innocent people get convicted every day. What's a bit of collateral damage in the big picture of public safety?

end of the world

Looks like it’s the end of the world sometime Saturday the 21^st.  It’s a prophecy thing, and you know those always come true. Most of us missed this obscure passage in the bible, even I, who to avoid taking a job stayed on at the university to study ancient biblical languages. Most of us thought this passage translated from Aramaic as some instructions about the annual spring counting of sheep and goats. However, Aramaic was primarily a spoken language, and if read aloud in a deep, southern drawl, it becomes obvious that the world is to end on May 21, 2011.

Another piece of evidence that clinches it was the speech Jesus made about some listening to him would live to see the end of the world. Well, there’s a guy in Israel who just celebrated his 2038^th birthday and who was there that day. His doctors say he’s in bad shape and only has days to live. So, I think we can take this prophecy to the bank, not that banks are going to matter much longer.

With only two days left for the world, how should we spend this precious time? I can’t speak for you, but I plan to deplete my wine cellar and have sex as often as possible.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn arrested

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of the IMF, the most powerful boys' financial fraternity on the planet, gets himself arrested for sexually molesting a chambermaid. OMG, how shocking. I mean, what normal man would do a thing like that, particularly an aging power broker used to getting his own way? Seriously, folks, can you name one other powerful man who has put it all at risk to jump the bones of some stressed out, overworked young woman. After all, these guys are paragons, people we trust to buy and sell whole counties and enrich or ruin millions of people.

This incident so unraveled my male self-esteem that I had to know the truth of it, so I bribed a guard and slipped into his cell. At first he wasn't talking, but after I slipped him a bottle of pernod, he opened up. "Look, I may be one of the most important, most powerful, smartest, best dressed, most well connected guys who ever lived, but, just between you and I, deep inside, I'm just Joe six pack.

California solves educational crisis

Been gone on a long adventure, but I'm back to amuse and annoy you. 

With California's financial situation growing worse, there is talk of cutting the school year by perhaps 20 days.  As everyone in the world who can read a newspaper knows, our students are falling further and further behind students in other developed countries. With 20 less school days, we'll be lucky if our kids can read pulp novels and do simple arithmetic and are educated well enough to work in a fast food restaurant.

Our elected leaders, the folks who got us to this point, have a solution. They will contract with emerging nations to send our thirteen year olds into indentured servitude for a period of five years. The State will get a couple thousand per student from the host country, while the student will get basic room and board for on the job training.   

When our kids return at 18, they will have marketable skills, such as mud brick making, sweet potato cultivation or goat herding. As an added plus, California will finally return to the golden age of the simple agrarian life, with blissfully uneducated people toiling in the warm California sun.

Shark fin soup and cultural tradition

According to a recent news piece, legislation has been proposed to end the taking of sharks' fins for shark fin soup, a Chinese delicacy. A cruel and wasteful practice, fin removal takes only the fin, and the wounded shark is sent off to die.

Naturally, the Chinese community is divided on this issue, but what stuck me was one comment defending the practice: That it is part of their cultural tradition.  This, to me, is the weakest argument of all, far weaker than a simple, "we like the taste of the soup."

Most cultures have long traditions, often going back to periods of ignorance or even savagery. Do we really mean to preserve all those old traditions? 

At the time of this story, another cultural tradition was being held, Cinco de Mayo. While probably half the celebrants don't even know the meaning of the day, many likely confusing it with Mexican Independence Day, the celebration is relatively harmless. People drink copious amounts of beer, play loud music and often dress in outfits they'd never wear the rest of the year. If you live within blocks of the music, the celebration can be annoying, but, unlike the shark fins, there doesn't seem to be any real damage.

Three hundred years ago my culture had a tradition of burning witches at the stake. I don't think anyone seriously would advocate continuing that tradition in possibly a national witch burning day. Cultures are supposed to evolve and improve. We don't bleed patients with fevers, we don't still keep slaves and we don't sacrifice virgins to stone idols. Cultural tradition is a specious argument and is often merely a front for ignorance and superstition.