Founding a new old religion

After years of spiritual seeking, rejecting traditional religions and doing all the eastern mysticism stuff, I’ve finally discovered the true religion. It’s actually a variation on a very old idea, polytheism.

After much meditation and observation, I’ve concluded that the gods lurk among us. They wander around in the guise of those demented homeless bums who stumble about in the gutters of our cities.

Have you ever noticed that they talk loudly to themselves. Well, I’ve stopped to listen, and their cryptic statements can only be understood as cosmic revelation. The arguments they have with themselves are the great philosophical debates of our time. Seriously, this stuff is really heavy.

I remember a disheveled bum who staggered around the streets of downtown Long Beach some years back. I started to notice that whenever his monologs turned angry and he started to shout at himself, within 48 hours we would get rain. I’m convinced that each of these characters is the god of some natural force, and we won’t know which one until we insult one of them and perhaps fall victim to a flood.

I know that some would say that this is merely coincidence, but the three great western religions were founded on less empirical evidence. Oh sure, I could be wrong, but I’m not about to risk a lightning strike by rejecting these compelling facts.

Lately, I’ve taken to bundling up grains, fruits and veggies and stacking the bundles in my trunk. Now, whenever I see one of these gods, I stop, pull out a bundle and lay it at his or her feet as a sacrifice.

Well, I can tell you it is working. I haven’t experienced a plague, lightning, oozing sores, exploding animals, the reversal of gravity or an attack by one of my many enemies. I’m living under the protection of the gods, and I can now cross the street even without looking both ways.

Those of you who still believe in only one god, remember that a single god can’t be everywhere to watch everyone. If you want to be safe and secure, you need hundreds, maybe thousands of gods looking out for you.