The true secret security organization

Many people have taken the recent news of the expanding security and spy system as being equal to Homeland Security. That seems true on the surface, but in reality, Homeland Security is an office in DC with a head and a couple of assistants. It's a cover, a front, a sham designed to keep people from knowing about the actual organization.

It took months of probing, but I've uncovered the real, super top secret organization, called the Department of Suspicion, Outrage and Paranoia, or SOP for short.

This organization is so secret no one knows who actually works for it. Everyone has a seventeen digit secret number. What's more, no one knows the titles of the operatives. You see, the person hiring someone picks the title and is the only one in the organization who knows who that person is and that he or she actually works there. Each person has the right and duty to hire one subordinate, thus becoming the handler or supervisor for that new person. Each person in the organization, which now has over a half million agents, only knows the identity of two other people, his subordinate and his supervisor. I use "he" because most women, once learning how the department works, want no part of it.

This will be easier to explain with an example. Say a level one agent, an L-1, files a report, which says, "Agent Albert Roberts discovered on June 27 of last year that a 57 year old Al-Qaeda agent, one Salib Maqwarh, a Moroccan national, posing as a food importer, passed vital information to three Saudi men in Fatima's coffee house in downtown Damascus." Now, his supervisor gets this information, and in the interest of secrecy, edits out the names, actual locations and exact dates, leaving something like this: "In June of last year an agent identified an Al-Qaeda agent in a business in Damascus who was passing information to three other men."

Now, the supervisor, who is an L-2, passes the information to his supervisor, an L-3, who knows who he is but not the actual name of the other L-2 who reports to him, since he only hired one subordinate. The L-3 further edits the report to make it fit with the other report, so they look like they were written by one person. The L-3 than passes it up to the L-4, where the process repeats again. This continues up to the top of the chain, the L-17, who consolidates all those reports, further editing for secrecy, so that when the final document crosses the President's desk, it says something like: "Last year in the middle east some agents discovered Al-Qaeda operatives passing information."

Now, since each person can and should hire one other person, by the time you read this the L-1s will have hired another layer, who will then become the new L-1s, moving everyone else up one number and making the top layer now L-18 and adding ten or fifteen thousand new agents, each with a unique title, to the organization.

And that, my fellow citizens, is how we keep America safe.