my Financial Advisor

Like most of you, I'm concerned about the economy, and like most of you, my main concern is how can I get mine before there's none left to get.

I've tried reading financial experts, economists, business leaders, government regulators, but they often contradict each other, leaving the economic novice, like myself, even more confused than ever. Well, some time ago, I found the perfect solution in an infallible expert.

My expert is Old Bert. Old Bert is a homeless wino living on the streets of San Francisco, sleeping the doorway of a deserted warehouse, and hanging out on Market Street. For a handful of coins, I get the best advice in the country.

You see, unlike all the experts who seem to make stuff up as they go along, Old Bert has a real system, a tried and true method of predicting economic ups and downs. Once, when I caught up with him before he lapsed into his daily alcoholic stupor, he explained his system. This was based on what he received from passers by.

It's not just the total amount of money he can beg in a day, it's the number and denomination of the coins, the mix handed to him by various people, based on simply demographics. He has a matrix based on three variables: male/female, young/old, rich/poor. So you have combinations such as rich old woman, poor young man, etc.

The day after he got a mix of nickels and pennies from one old guy, the Dow dropped 200 points. The day after he got a five spot from a college aged woman was the market's best day in two years.

Anyway, I've learned to take his advice, when he's coherent enough to understand, and each stock tip he's given me has paid off handsomely.

Last week I went to see him, and he was sprawled out in the gutter, covered with soiled copies of the Chronicle. When I asked him what was in store, he looked up, blurry eyed, and said, "If youse got some money, go stuff it in you mattress, if youse even got one of them. Then horde food. This year, whatever year this is, is gonna be a tough one."