I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize

The news that Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize has gotten me thinking, and being self-centered, that thinking has gravitated toward myself.

I do like Obama. I voted for him, but I have to wonder if he were the best choice. We are, after all, still fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the two parties in Congress are almost ready to come to blows.

Now, I could offer a wide field of alternative choices for this award, but it’s hard for me to speak to the motives of others. Besides, I’m sure my list would leave out many qualified candidates. No, the only proper thing to do is offer myself as a person eminently qualified for this award, along with the money involved.

Let me make my history known to one and all, so the world can judge my qualifications.
I was peaceful even at an early age. As a kid, when someone had a problem with me and said we’d meet after school to fight it out, I simply wouldn’t show up, opting instead to meet friends for a soda and some fries.

Then, along came the Viet Nam war. I quickly dashed out to enlist in a safe National Guard unit, where I spent my summers playing military games in the California desert and drinking copious amounts of beer.

Throughout my youth, whenever some international situation would get me angry, I would quickly make a date with some attractive young woman. I always subscribed to the idea, make love, not war.

You can check the record. I’ve never dashed off to Washington DC to sign any declaration of war. I resisted the urge when Iran held our hostages, and I didn’t get involved on either side when Israel and its neighbors had all those nasty little wars.

When we invaded Iraq and Afghanistan, I didn’t rush out to re enlist. I pulled out my old National Guard uniform, found it no longer fit and thought better of the whole idea.

I don’t even kill the animals I eat, leaving that unpleasant chore to other, more violent, people.

As much as I respect our president, I have to say, in all humility, that I’m by far the better choice for the Peace Prize.