First successful soul transplant

The world’s first successful soul transplant was performed yesterday at the UC transplant center in San Francisco, by Dr. Les Apt.

Dr. Apt explained the difficulties involved. “The major problem was finding the soul. It is invisible under normal light. With the discovery of the ultra yellow spectrum, we were finally able to see the elusive little dickens.” Ultra yellow light was accidentally discovered at Apple’s research facility while they were trying to develop a computer so fast that it would second guess the operator, giving the human an answer minutes before he posed the question.

Dr. Apt also explained the handling of the soul. “It’s kind of a slippery, shapeless thing, so we had to develop magnetic forceps to keep it from sliding through our fingers.”

Since there were no human souls available, Apt’s team was forced to use a pig soul. “It’s a bit larger and has fewer blemishes,” said Dr. Apt. “But otherwise, it’s an almost perfect fit.”

Not everyone applauds this breakthrough. Rev. Ben Dover of the Moral Minority said, in a televised statement, “This is contrary to God’s law of one soul, one person. Also, we object to the use of a pig’s soul. If God had wanted us to have animal parts, He would have made us part of the animal kingdom.” He also added that he was afraid the godless secular humanists would start harvesting souls from aborted fetuses.

One of the problems with this procedure is that people are unlikely to leave their souls to medical science. Moral philosopher Rev. Ima Wise explained the problem. “People spend a lifetime preparing their souls for heaven. What would happen of the recipient misuses it, and the soul ends up in hell?”

We asked Dr. Apt how the patient, whose name has been withheld, is doing after the procedure. “He’s awake and alert. His family said he used to be a rather difficult fellow, but now he seems much nicer and more congenial.”

Is it possible for a person to live without a soul? Medical researcher, Martin Mink said, “It is possible for a person to exist, but he or she wouldn’t be alive and aware in the same way we are. They would be, in essence, little more than insensitive automatons. We are only aware of a couple of examples, both commentators on Fox News.”

Asked about where the soul connects to the body, Dr. Apt chuckled. “You know, Rene Descartes was right all along. We just sewed it on to the pineal gland. Only took a few minutes.”