custom conspiracy theories for nut case fringe grp.

Filling imaginary needs has been the key to the Eclectic Press business plan. Recently we've identified a definite psuedo-need in our society, and we are rushing eagerly in to fill it. In addition to our other questionable services, we're introducing something new, something your organization could profit from.

Are you a member of a nut case fringe group? If so, is your group small and unsuccessful? It's probably because you don't have a good conspiracy theory. Every highly respected nut case fringe group has a conspiracy theory that captures the imagination and brings in those nut cases who are desperate to belong. And remember, more members mean more dues, so the money you invest will be returned many times over.

Eclectic Press will custom-make a conspiracy theory that fits your group's unique brand of paranoia. Here's a brief outline of a scenario we put together for one successful client. "The American Dental Association has been taken over by aliens from outer space, who have snatched the bodies of member dentists. Now, the amalgam they put into your teeth contain miniature transceivers, controlled by the aliens. After everyone has a filling, the aliens will turn humanity into robot worker who will

assemble useless merchandise for the galactic black market. "

The organization that purchased this conspiracy theory increased their membership from 7 to over 100. We can do the same for you. All you need to do is provide us with some basic information on your group and give us cash. We don't take checks from nut case fringe groups.

Now, we can't promise to make you as successful as America's two biggest nut case groups, the Democratic and the Republican parties. These groups attained mainstream status without losing their quirky, nutty roots through decades of constructing complex and convoluted conspiracy theories. While this level of sophistication takes generations, one of our basic theories should be enough to let you become at least a minor religion.

Just log on to www.baymoon.com/~eclecticpress. Remember that if you're nutty enough to think you need a conspiracy theory, you're nutty enough to pay us money for it.

Henry 8th and a lesson in war

In 1523, Henry 8th, one of England's more despotic kings, decided to go to war with France. To pay for this adventure, and in the wake of his wasteful spending, he sent Cardinal Wolsey to scare up 800,000 pounds in taxes. Wolsey met with much resistance, not unlike the reception new tax plans get today. Henry relented on the taxes and cancelled his war.
So, almost 500 years later, why do we care?
Even Henry, who was used to getting his way, when advised that he didn't have the money to pay for a war, abandoned the idea. He certainly didn't borrow an amount of money that would be billions in today's dollars. Wars, like other governmental activities, have budgetary constraints. Well, at least they once did.
Presidents Bush and Obama probably regard Henry as a political wuss. Over the last nine years, these two presidents have spent hundreds of billions in two countries, fighting... defending... creating... doing high cost military stuff. Unlike Henry, they didn't send a modern Wolsey out to collect taxes for it. In fact, they both seem to claim that we can have bigger, better, more expensive wars and still cut taxes.
These two presidents will be footnotes in the history books before these wars are paid for, if ever.

Scott Roeder and Venn diagrams

I was trying to understand Scott Roeder, the man who murdered the abortion doctor and is still defiant even though sentenced to life in prison. To me, this is a totally alien mindset. Then I started thinking about those Venn diagrams we used to work with in jr. high math, and that gave me some insights.

There is between a large or very large, depending on your point of view, group of nut cases in this country. While these people aren't technically psychotic, they are at the least quite reality challenged, often having trouble distinguishing between the voices in their heads and their telephone answer machines. So, make a dot for every 10,000 of these folks and draw a circle around them.

Then, there is a group as large, if not larger, in this country that, and there is no suitable euphemism, are assholes. They seem to have no problem with reality, just with people who interpret that reality any differently than themselves. So, again, a dot for every 10,000 and circle those.

Now, like in any good Venn diagram, there is an area where both circles overlap. This area represents people who are both nut cases and assholes, exhibiting the worst characteristics of both groups.

Finally, I'm beginning to understand Scott Roeder.

First few paragraphs of my new book

Jesus passed the wine skin to Judas, who took a long drink before speaking. “Why not just settle down, get married, and have a family? This is not hard, Jesus. Men in love do it every day.” Pleased with his own eloquence, Judas slapped his friend on the back and laughed, a big grin taking over his wide face. Jesus retrieved the wine before answering.

The two men sat on a high grassy hill east of Nazareth, looking out through the haze toward the Sea of Galilee. A soft breeze from the distant Mediterranean was at their backs.

“Judas, don’t you see, I can’t love her.” The sea breeze wrapped his long black hair around his eyes, and he pushed in back with his right hand.

“But you do, and why can’t you? Is it your damned holy calling?” While Judas believed in his friend's calling and followed him, he always maintained that Jesus needed some balance in his life, that God expected a man to be a man.

“You know it is. I’m on a mission from God. I have to put the people back on the path.” Jesus was becoming agitated, waving his arms, his long, narrow face looking almost pained.

Judas was implacable. The burly man sat like a stone statue. “How long have I known you? Forever, it seems. You, me, Mary. I should have gone after her. Magdalene is a good woman; she loves you, and she’d make a good mother. A married man can still preach.”

“Judas, we’ve been through this. I’ve been called. I can feel it in my heart, my soul. There is only room for God’s work.” He looked up through the hazy sky as if trying to catch God's eye.

Judas laughed, a big robust and innocent laugh. “I have found that there is room enough in a man’s heart for many things, both serious and fun.”

Judas stood up and stretched is large frame. He reached for his friend’s hand and effortlessly pulled him up. He slipped a cap over his wavy, dark chestnut hair and announced, “I’m hungry. My mother will feed us if we hurry.” He slipped the wine skin over his shoulder, and the two men started down the hill. “I listen to your good advice on how to be right with God, but you never listen to my advice, or anyone’s, about how to be right with yourself.” He added, before he could start in again, "Let's skip down the hill?"

"Skip? What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing. Come on; lighten up." He started to skip away, his size making the action look humorous.

"Judas," he shouted after his friend, "Don't be childish." But the big man was already too far down the hill to hear. Jesus shook his head. "Oh, what the hell." And he took off, skipping down the hill, into the setting sun.

Watch out for wing nuts

Most of the current problems in America can be traced to wing nuts. I'm not talking about the little metal things that you can tighten by hand. I'm talking about the vocal, political wing nuts.

These come in two types, depending on which way they spin. We have right wing nuts and left wing nuts. They both have very fixed patterns of behavior and they are mutually exclusive. You can't substitute one for the other.

Both move only in one direction, so their application is limited, and they both only function properly when twisted up tightly, making them almost impossible to budge. Yet, when you let them loose, they have no discernable function at all.

They do have the same basic function, which is to bind any action, making it unmovable and thus stopping it cold. They also are incapable of conceiving any middle ground. It's all or nothing for them.

When anything is proposed that could be considered a sensible solution, both types spin violently to their respective locked tight position, thus grinding everything to an abrupt halt. In this way, any reasonable tool for change is kept from working properly.

Oddly enough, they seem to be proud of their limited responses, often broadcasting great amounts of skewed information, pointing to the undeniable logic of their direction of spin. However, if you delete the key terms relating to these fixed directions of spin, they both sound exactly the same.

Park Advocacy Day at the State Capitol

On Monday, March 8, the California State Parks Foundation held its eighth annual Park Advocacy Day at the state capitol. Over 150 volunteers and park activists gathered to call attention to the plight of our state park system and to lobby for solutions.

This gathering, organized by Foundation president Elizabeth Goldstein and Traci Verardo-Torres, Vice President of Government Affairs, started with a general meeting to discuss the days events. After that the group, armed with posters stating, "I'm Saving Our State Parks For," plus a photo taken by an attendee, held a press conference on the steps of the Capitol. Several legislators spoke in favor of the parks, including local assembly member Bill Monning. One of the speakers, a nine-year-old named Adam, was the hit of the morning.

Then some of the group delivered bags of state park petitions to the Governor's office (another photo op), while the rest started the round of meetings with members of the senate and assembly.

After the meetings, where small groups had appointments with various law makers or their staffs, everyone gathered again for a wrap up and two rousing, pro state parks speeches by assembly members Hector De La Torre and Mary Salas. A reception followed, after which attendees departed for the long trips back home.

The groups found most law makers supportive of our state parks, which have been threatened with closure recently, and which now have one billion dollars in deferred maintenance. Unfortunately budgetary problems and the inability to get the two thirds necessary to raise revenues, have tied the hands of even the parks' most vocal supporters.

Among the issues the lobbyists brought to law makers were the Governor's proposal to tied state parks funding to very uncertain revenues from a yet unapproved off shore oil deal, several bills currently being considered that would help our parks, including one to make part of east Andrew Molera Park a state wilderness and also the state parks ballot initiative. Currently state parks supporters all over the state are gathering signatures to get a measure on the ballot that would fully fund state parks, along with ocean and water conservation programs, return the current 130 million parks funding to the general fund and allow every California license plated auto into any state park or beach at any time, for no charge. All this would be accomplished by a once a year $18 additional charge on license renewals for autos, RVs and motorcycles. Most law makers indicated that they supported this measure.

It was a very upbeat day, with the small army of activists encouraged by the responses they received. Even though the day of lobbying is over, the volunteers intend to follow up with their assembly and senate members and continue to gather signatures for the State Parks Initiative.

Voluntary educational protests

I'm glad to see people finally standing up for education. Walking out, by teachers and students, sends a message and costs money, which also sends a message. I only wish more K-12 teachers and students had stayed out last Thursday. A voluntary walk out by all or most would get our elected officials to change course.

However, the word "voluntary" is a word of caution to university student activists, who tend to see things in black and white and forget there are shades of gray. Blocking people from entering campus is coercion, something the students would not tolerate from others.
This casts doubts on both the protesters credibility and the actual number of people who stayed away on purpose.

This kind of fighting coercion with coercion takes you down that dark road to Orwell's Animal Farm, a book that should be a must read for student activists.